


The Impossible

by prismdreams



Category: Arrow (TV 2012), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Death, Drama, Episode: s01e01 Pilot, F/M, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Humor, Love, POV First Person, Ratings: PG, Relationship(s), Romance, Science Fiction, Sex, Sexual Content, Special Abilities, Tragedy, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Violence, Work In Progress, nerds, powers, scientist, struck by lightening, unexplained
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2014-11-08
Packaged: 2018-02-22 05:13:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2495735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prismdreams/pseuds/prismdreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Felicity can't let go of the trauma she's feeling. It will always follow her. Oliver pushing her away, or the world dealing with their own problems. Barry Allen was the only person who made sense to her. But now, she's forced to live without his memory. As Barry lays in a coma Felicity reflects, her personal demons have begun to push her over the edge. Set after 3x01.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Barry

My name is Felicity Smoak and I am in a dire situation.

My neurons are developing erratic convulsion stages beyond all science and explanation.

Translation: I am going crazy. And not just because I can't seem to get my mind around what Oliver wants me to do, it's something else. _Someone_ else.

Barry Allen.

Why am I feeling this way? Why can't I concentrate on simple procedures that I could do in my sleep? I know I'm Oliver's right hand person, he's always relied on me to have all the answers.

The truth is...I don't want to live like this anymore. Finding a normal, boring and mundane man could be logical, surely. I just hate that my own happiness is sacrificed because of Oliver's choice. Now every day I live with the regret of getting close with him, working next to him, even baby-sitting him when I just know, deep down he could easily replace me with someone more beautiful, someone who he could actually...feel for. But he doesn't feel that way.

I've gotten so pertinent at concealing my feelings for that man for so long it doesn't get easier. It only gets harder, so hard that I could barely breathe. And to top it off, knowing he won't ever reciprocate makes it worse.

I love someone unconditionally that doesn't and will not love me back. What am I doing this with myself?

I am a brilliant mind, I have things to offer someone, I think. I know I can be more to someone but why don't _they_ ever see that?

Maybe things are meant to be this way...it's too late, Oliver won't look at me the same, not even after tonight. After he kissed me; I just knew he did it out of pity, he felt sorry for me. He wanted to keep me around so he could use my brain and also use me.

I need to be away from Starling City.

I took off my glasses and rubbed the area where the nose bridge imprinted a mark. I don't know where I belong and I don't think anyone cares either way.

I could fly off the face of the Earth, fall hard from a 30 story building, get mugged and severely beat up in the middle of a dark alley and no one would notice. Do people ever notice anything I do? Is being smart all I am good for? Oliver seems to think so anyway.

And Barry...?

I'm not getting the same reading for that guy. Barry is, well, he's _not_ Oliver that's for sure. He's inquisitive, gives direct eye contact, speaks to you while using your name before he responds back. Barry is not like every guy out there. And I think that's what is really the problem here.

I am afraid he may be the last man like that. After the particle accelerator explosion I found out Barry and many others were effected by the event, causing them to be in a coma or worse, die. Barry is gone. The man I knew and remembered as the only man who really saw and heard me has ceased to exist. Which led me to believe if he really happened.

Why am I even fretting about this? I am constantly being used in my position, taken advantage of, my life is over thanks to a vigilante whose calling is stronger than his heart. I feel like my life has no purpose. Did it ever have one?

Oliver should have _never_ saved my life. I should have never met him or agreed to join his cult. I am realizing now how futile my choices were. I had a choice all along. Being alone and in my mind, my sanctuary, my life belonged to me. I didn't need to feel like a lackey, a second string to people who probably have no real need for me.

I am more than just science and the impossible. I am more than my brain.

Good luck convincing anyone otherwise. I haphazardly thought about the consequences of staying this way. What it could do to me. What it already _has_ done to me.

I stood up from the office, hesitating before walking to the stairs that led up to the roof top. I knew no one was there because Oliver had left and the team all went home early when they heard my default answer of "oh I got this, no worries." I really need to stop saying that to people; just because I can do it, doesn't mean I really want to.

Somehow most of the problems I felt over the past couple of years began to melt away the higher up I went. When I reached the roof I opened the door, doing a silent prayer that nobody would be taking a load off on the roof.

The wind tunnel was so strong when I began to shut the door behind me that I put extra pressure to close it. After I secured it I turned around as the wind caught my hair, pushing it around my face in a mini hurricane.

I rarely come here anymore and sometimes I did just to get away from the numbers, chemicals, homicides and the self-injected danger I'm involved in.

My mind went to Barry as I walked closely to the edge of the roof. I wondered if he was just sleeping or dying extremely slowly. As much as I am familiar with human anatomy and the biological findings, sometimes some things in life don't make sense. Like death. I can't understand miracles and I don't believe they happen at all.

Barry Allen is gone. I have to keep saying that to remind myself of it. I'll never talk to him again, I'll never look into his eyes and see myself. I'll never know what it feels like for someone else to really look at me. Not the way he did, it will never be like that. I'll never know what it feels like to have mutual feelings with a man. I am not Laurel.

But Barry, he would have been different. I felt like he wouldn't be like the rest and now I'll never get to know if I was right.

It was just too sad when I found out he was laying in a coma, marching toward death. Don't remember how many times I tried to make it to his hospital room just to see him but then backed out when I saw some girl there; almost like she was a family member staying there after visiting hours. I never got my chance to see him because I wasn't his family. I wasn't anything to him, even though I was sure he felt it too. The moment when he said goodbye, before he left to Central City...I didn't want him to leave. He only just got here. I felt like he came into my life and walked away because he wanted to.

Who am I kidding? We live on different sides and far distances. Why would Barry Allen just magically wake up and the first thought he had was to see me?

I'm just fooling myself...this was the way it was going to be. And it hurts so much to begin to accept it.

I walked further to edge, knowing it was dangerous but I didn't care. I stood on the edge of the building, overlooking the city, knowing this will always be more important than me. Oliver knew it all too well and I don't blame him anymore. The truth is: my life is hardly valued, I don't believe anyone knows I'm in front of them sometimes.

I looked down and almost fell over from losing my balance. I gripped both sides of stoney edge as my brain caught up with what just happened.

Would it be painful if I fell fast? Would it be over if I fell at all?

Only one way to find out...

I let go out the edge and felt my shoulder being caught by a strong hand.

"Felicity!" Barry Allen glared at me with large, green eyes. "What are you doing?"


	2. Potential

"Barry!" I shivered out, gasping for air as I was brought back over the edge. "What are you-what-you're alive?!"

He carried me completely over so my body wasn't dangling loosely. He looked at me with those sullen eyes, trying to remain calm while I am panicking like a hyena over here.

"Yes..." was all he said and followed with, "what exactly were you trying to do?"

He caught me, I find it hard to lie to people like him. He didn't do a thing to make me want to lie to him. All he ever did was help.

I did the next best thing, avoided the topic altogether.

"Why are you in Starling? How are you... _here_?"

I had a million more questions but I had to start with the basics. Barry doesn't look tired, lifeless or weak at all. He looks...fit, agile, different. Only slightly out of breath.

"You were the first person I thought of when I-look, let's go back inside, there's something I need to tell you, err, explain to you."

My eyes were the biggest they've probably been before I could stop them. Barry looked like he wanted to say more but all he did was offer his hand to me. I took it unsure of what's going to happen now.

I noticed Barry was wearing some kind of form-fitting burgundy, flame retardant suit. Not even sure why. It's not Halloween and even though Barry did look up to Oliver this was an aberrant tribute to his friend.

I couldn't take the silence anymore...

"How are you walking right now? Weren't you struck by a billion volts of electricity? Barry..." I grabbed his arm, I really wanted answers and I was tired of people shutting me out. "What happened to you?" My shifty eyes tried to find his but he wasn't looking at me like I remembered.

He was avoiding my eyes. Whenever someone did that I knew they were going to lie to me. Not now. Not Barry. Not like this.

He sighed heavily, nodding to the door. It felt as if he was waiting for the right moment to tell me a big secret.

My eyes were crestfallen but I followed him despite my anxiousness. I was honestly afraid of what he was going to tell me. I thought the worst. Or just possibly, I am imagining this in my mind. Just like I had so many times when he wasn't here. Any minute I'll wake up.

I almost can't believe he's in front of me. What he just did, he saved me. Just like Oliver had, or wait, this was _exactly_ like Oliver did.

Barry's breathing scared me most of all. I could barely hear it and after what just happened, I was expecting him to be extremely out of breath also. Yet he was eerily calm.

Something about that didn't make sense...

Barry casually took a seat near the research table. I quickly covered the work I was doing earlier. Barely was work, I only did one analysis and gave up after I failed the concoction, zoning out.

"One of us has to talk for anything to make sense." I said with a slight huff.

I was annoyed with his standoffish attitude. What did he have to be so carefree about?

There come those direct eyes again, he had my attention. "You're right, Felicity."

I tried not to blush when he said my name. Crossing my arms, I waited for him to continue.

"Well...?" I asked when he didn't.

Barry took a deep breath and relaxed his body. "Truth is, I, the night of the particle accelerator, I, well let's just say I _saw_ it happen, the explosion I mean. I saw the disaster first hand."

"Yes, we all were watching the TV, glued to the event. What exactly does that have to do with why you're still alive from getting struck by lightening?"

I uncrossed my arms and shook nervously as Barry bit his lip, taking another deep breath. Oh boy, this is the part where I am supposed to get extremely worried.

"And I _survived_...I don't understand how, but I was brought back by these strange circumstances. But it didn't make me weak...it only made me stro-"

I gave a confused look. "OK, well, 9 months after a coma, it is scientifically impossible for any human with normal biological responses to survive that long of a knock out. And another thing," I just remembered something vital, "how in the hell did you react so fast when I began to fall off the roof?"

"Felicity," there he goes saying my name again, this can't be good news. "It's who I am now, I have these abilities that will make me react faster than anyone can imagine. I can also do something else..."

"What?"

Barry looked behind me to a picture frame on the wall. "You graduated from Vasser College?"

I crossed my eyes, what does this have to do with anything? "Uh, yes, this is relevant, how?"

Suddenly, Barry sped passed me, took the frame off and ran back to his seat in under 2 seconds flat. Least I thought it was. He ran so quickly I barely had time, or rather seconds to compute it.

All I could do was stare at him while he intently looked at my certificate diploma. I stood up and almost screamed but went into my scolding mold, feeling the bubbles rise in my throat as I was stuck in utter shock.

"Hey, whoa, no. Barry, what? How did you just do that?" I tried to make out the words but all that came out was a bunch of stuttering.

"It's what I do, um, wow, cool. I didn't know you could double major in under 4 years at an I.V. school. Those classes together must have been astronomical. Wow, impressive. I was a fan of this school growing up-"

I groaned, he was stalling. "Barry?"

He rolled his eyes at me, did he really think this is a joke? "Yes?"

"Yes?! This is what you do?! That's all you have to say about this? Barry, I thought you were gone, forever. I thought I lost you, and here you act as if..." Barry stood up placing my diploma down calm, holding my eyes with his, "nothing happened. When it did. So much has happened."

"I know _exactly_ what happened, Felicity. I'm alive and well. I am ok. You don't need to worry. And hey, why were you on the ledge of the roof? Don't dance around the answer this time."

I didn't want this to be about my pain. This was about Barry and I am keeping it that way.

"No reason. It was an accident. I was looking outside, getting some air. Stop changing the subject. This is _big_ Barry. Gargantuanly, preposterously ginormous."

Barry looked at me like I just told me a pop culture reference. "And that's a word, how?"

"Oh it's a freaking word. I can't believe how lightly you're taking all this. After everything that's happened. How is your heart even beating correctly? Weren't you stuck on IV drips for nearly a year? Your heart stopped several times during the during of your sedated state. What is going o-" Barry took my hand, stopping my heated rant and placed it over his chest.

The heat radiating from his body was giving my hand some warmth, almost calming my nerves. I didn't know my hand felt cold until I touched him.

"See? Might be a little faster than yours but it's still beating, still very much alive." He smiled, letting his eyes dancing over my ruffled hair trapped in that ponytail I wore.

I felt like I was under his spell, everything started to slow down and even my heart flowed with the rhythm of what was taking place.

"It's good to see you again, Felicity."

"Barry..." I hadn't meant for that to come out as a whisper. I regained my professionalism, barely. "Have you been examined yet?"

"Yes, by Dr. Harrison Wells. He took my vitals and measured my limits; and has even encouraged my potential."

I removed my hand from his chest. Weird how he didn't take his hands off mine until I did.

"Potential, potential for what?"

"What I can do. My abilities. Felicity, I can _help_ people with what I was given. I finally have a reason to do more with my life and with all this power, I need to use it for good."

I tried not to show my sour expression but I was failing miserably. Barry understood me. Plus I find it hard to hide my true self the more I am near him. I find it harder not to grow closer. Not to fall deeper into those eyes of his. The way he smiled at me just because I'm near him. It's scary, knowing how I feel for him. How I can't bring myself to really tell him. And now this...doing good, yes, Barry is not dead, yes, thank god, but I'm still on the doing good part. Using this ability?

Barry is still a human, still vulnerable to life. He could be entering into a world of pain ahead of him if he takes on this responsibility without thinking of the ramifications at stake.

"I'm guessing there is no stopping you once you've made up your mind." I said, looking down for the most part.

"I mean, it's really not the end of the world if you don't risk yourself, your life, Barry you could, you know how this is going to be. I'm having trouble accepting this...Oliver has stopped listening to me. Now...you don't h-"

"I have to, Felicity. It's what I...it's what I always felt I was meant to do with my life. Be great. Be the light at the end of everyone's pain. Give them all a second chance." Barry said, as if it was a matter of fact.

I couldn't believe how stolid he was being about this.

I shook my head, yes everything was good on paper but he was not an immortal, "But what about _you_ , Barry? Who is going to be there when you get hurt? Do you think you won't?"

Barry touched my cheek with his palm, I couldn't help but lean into it. Maybe there was a chance he could rethink this whole crazy thing and go back to Central Police headquarters forensics lab. I was hoping of all choices that would be the safer option.

I looked in his eyes and saw something I never saw before: hope. But at what cost, I wondered. Barry really can't live this way, he just can't.

"I know I will, but it's a big risk I am willing to take. Oliver would understand. I know you don't right now, but, perhaps you will, someday." Barry said, turning on his heal and sped out of the office before I could retort.

Who am I kidding? I can't catch up to him, nobody can now. He is really doing this. He is going to turn out just like Oliver.

This is my worst nightmare come true. I closed the door behind me of the nearest office and slid my numb body against the wall until I felt the carpet.

I just lost the two most important men in my life. I could hear the familiar cracking of my heart as I cried uncontrollably into my hands.


	3. Premonition

"Why did you save me, Barry?" I confronted him.

Barry couldn't look at me. It pained him to really look into my eyes and give a straight answer.

"You _know_ why. This is what I do...and, I save people. You of all people should understand this Felicity." Barry moved passed me to leave but I caught up to him from behind his desk.

"I can't always expect you to be there for me. That's not realistic. The entire city can't be salvaged. Besides...I'm not worth the trouble."

"Yes you are." He said, looking at me fiercely. "You're worth everything. Every life has value, including yours. You can't do that again. Because I'm just going to catch you every time. And Felicity, it hurts me that you don't even see how important you are. Maybe Oliver deep down doesn't really see, but I do."

Now I was the one who wanted to leave. Barry was wrong. He can't expect his newly bestowed super powers to solve everything. I refused to believe anything he's saying about me. I'll never be this girl he's talking about. I'm the girl people small talk with and debrief on scientific matters. The first girl to surpass logical explanations in a murder mystery; people automatically assume I know everything. But I don't. I know so very little about life. Barry has no idea how afraid I am when I go to sleep. I am like a useless college student, the definition of mundane. I am far from anything more than this.

"Oliver sees it for what it really is. And now I know why it can't be more. I realize it now, but he won't listen to me. Choosing this life makes everything, even waking up the next day harder, knowing you could have done more. Oliver isn't like that, but you are. Barry...this life, this life is not you." I said, his eyes were shifting, they couldn't reach mine.

"And what you said, you can't possibly think this is true about me. And you just up and leave after dumping this suicide mission as if I am supposed to just accept it. I can't. Everything has changed now. Your days are numbered, you are treading through fire, no matter how fast you are, you can't possibly believe you're impervious to demise. I just can't live with that. I don't know if anyone who cares about you can."

Barry's eyes started to water. At least I knew there was some speck of humanity left in him. Though, still, seeing him in pain made me feel somber; his face, his eyes squeezing together, trying so hard to not let the tears fall off his fragile face.

I've never seen Barry so tense before. He looked like he was going to smash something. I almost regretted calling him out but I couldn't keep this to myself knowing he's out there, risking his life for the entire city.

The silence was killing me until he gripped the sides of the wide desk so tight his knuckles turned white.

"Felicity, you... _distract_ me, and I...I think, I think Dr. Wells was right. I can't have distractions. I can't-" He looked at me with a gut wrenching expression before his scowl ate the rest of the sentence away.

I turned around and almost walked out on my heel. Barry was not going to say what I think he was going to say, was he? Oh no, I should have not come here.

When I whipped back around my eyes collided with his. I didn't know what he was going to do. I've never been so terrified of anything in my life. His intensive glare shot through the rest of my body, making me shiver before I knew it was coming.

"Barry, you-you have a second chance. Please don't waste it." I said, not knowing how the hell I got all that out of me.

His penetrating green eyes focused on my face. I had no idea what he was looking for. My body was shaking in anticipation.

"Please...just, leave me alone." He pulled away. "For good. Don't come back to Central City again."

This wasn't the Barry I remembered. This was...who was this person? Maybe I wasn't who he wanted. Maybe it was someone else, and the price of defending the city overrides personal relationships. His life will never be the same again.

This can't be, I had to do something, the distance between us was getting longer and more powerful, I can feel it. No, it's not too late for him.

I tried to touch him but he sped away; no words, no glares, just emptiness. Air and sorrow.

I shivered in. My face shook, least I think. But I wasn't doing it. Wait, what? I felt my body being shaken as I opened my eyes. Diggle was looking at me and I suddenly realized where I was.

I groaned while John gave me that knowing look.

I really need to stop sleeping on the office couch. Oliver was going to ask invasive questions and that's the last thing I needed now.

People who pretend to care about me.

I told Dig I was going home because it was nearly 2:30am and I needed to get back before I fell asleep again. Diggle offered me a ride but I declined. Even though I was sure my car had just enough gas in it to get home, I was still going to take my chances.

I guess, in a way, I am like Barry. Danger doesn't scare me. Apathy does. But Barry, he's in Central City now and I'm stuck here being completely useless to society. Barry...thank god it was all a dream, was it?

Before I left I decided to tell John I wasn't going to come in for the weekend. Maybe I needed a break from all this danger, just a day or two away.

"Alright, I'll tell Oliver if his flight hasn't left yet."

"Flight?" That was odd. "Oliver's on a plane flight? To where?"

Dig hesitated before looking at me sideways. "He told me to just tell you he's out and he'll be back when he comes back."

I shouldn't have been rolling my eyes but I didn't want my worry face to show. "Vague much? John, that's really all he said? He didn't say why or where he was going?"

"I don't think it's anything you need to worry about. You know Oliver. He'll tell us when he's ready. Besides, he also told me he wants you to stop being here overnight. It's not safe."

Just like Oliver, ordering me around whenever he wants but never showing how he really feels. I am so sick of his antics. I'm fed up with this place.

I just wanna go home...Dig looked at me and I waved him off as I turned around, fixing my trench coat over my shoulders. I had a scarf but I didn't bother. I was gonna sweat in minutes with it on. The elevator down took me down to the garage.

I got inside the car and turned on the engine. As I waited for the motor to warm up I let my thoughts wander.

Not even sure if I had control over these thoughts. I can't put it into words but I'll try...

Barry Allen is alive. He has these weird, altered powers resulting in a science related freak accident. He's adamant in using them to help others even though every time he does it may be his last. And what I just dreamed wasn't real at all...was it? Did Barry really shun me away? It seems to be the theme course in my life so far. Oh, unless people absolutely need to know a science answer, I'm their female Neil deGrasse Tyson. I shook my head, no, no way, I was just woken up by Dig, it's not real. It couldn't have been. I have strange dreams all the time, not as of late but randomly I get them from time to time doing the odd ball work that I do.

My engine shut off, putting me back into reality.

"Oh, don't you die on me now. I just changed your oil. Come on..." I gave it another try and revved up the motor with a bit of force. "Shit...and I'm actually making it worse by forcing the ignition. Great."

I unbuckled and got out of the car while dialing a taxi service to come get me. Oliver owed me a favor anyway. If anything, he does need me at work so he'll feel indebted to pay for this mishap. Now that he's out of town, I'm going to have to ask Dig to come and get me but that wasn't on my radar. I really don't wanna take the bus or train every day until he comes back. Plus this will finally make Oliver pay more attention to me so I guess it's a good thing my car is busted. Silver lining in a helpless situation.

I leaned against the trunk waiting for the cab. I was still semi tired so if anyone was around I'd barely notice it.

That dream was a big wake up call. Even though it wasn't real I'm taking it seriously.

Barry and I just can't, we can't, whatever is going on I just don't want to be a part of his dubious, not to mention reckless mission. I have my own problems to worry over and Oliver is a enough of a problem for me every day. I can't see him, I'll just focus back on my work. No big.

I checked the time and shivered from the cold breeze hitting my bare legs. I wasn't wearing tights and the Starling city cold was hitting me pretty quick. I decided to go back inside the car when I heard a cocked gun near my ear.

"You work for Oliver Queen?"

I gulped and tried to remain calm but my body shook. I remembered I had to answer whoever this was as he prodded the question again, more bolder this time.

"Yes, what-what do you want?"

"He took something from me and you're going to get it for me." He tapped the back of my neck hard with the barrel. "This way..."

I shook even harder. I had no mace or stun gun with me. This really bites. God, now of all times I wish Oliver was here.

"Move it blondie!" Gun barrel poked my naked shoulder. "Did you hear what I said?"

"H-how do I know you're not going to just kill me anyway?" Oh god, my entire life is hanging in the hands of the gun man and I ask this?!

I felt warm air next to my ear and what smelled like dirt and grime. "Looks like we're going to have to do this the hard way."

I half turned around to see the guy in the black mask raise his free hand, suddenly he was knocked to the ground flat by another man in a mask.

A deep, red mask, those eyes, green, dark, secretive. What?

"Felicity, are you ok?" Barry asked, out of breath as my body gave out, causing me to become weightless.


End file.
